



DE WITT'S ACTING- PLAYS. ^^^^ 

(Number 216.) 




MY 

NEIGHBOR'S WIFE. 

IIST ONE ^CT. 
By ALFRED BUNN, Esq., 

Author of the Libretto of "The Bohemian Girl," ete. 
I As First Performed at Coveut Oarden Theatre, London. 

TO WHICH ABE ADDED, 

A description of the Costumes— Synopsia of the Piece -Cast ot the Characters 

—Entrances and Exits— Relative Positions ot the Performers on 

the Stage, and the whole of the Stage Business. 




CLINTON T. DE WITT, PUBLISHER. 

JVo. 33 Itoae Street. 




NOW 



C ^ A COM 

1 PLAYS, AND I 

"S Plot, Costume, 

[^ tion, mailed fn 



COMPLETE DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUE OF DE WITT'S ACTING 
DE WITT'S ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMAS, «ontaiuing 
Scenery, Time of Representation, and every other informa- 
free and post-paid. 



/ 



DE WITT'S ACTING PLAYS, 



2^" Please notice that nearly all the Comedies, Farces and Comediettas in the following 
hstofD^ Witt's Acting Plats" are very suitable for representation in small Amateur Thea- 
tres and on Parlor Stages, as they need but little extrinsic aid fro7n complicated scenery or 
expensive costumes. They have attained their deserved popularity by their droll situations, 
excellent plots, great humor and brilliant dialogues, no less than by the fact that they are the 
most perfect in every respect of any edition of plays ever published either in the United States 
or Europe, whether as regards purity of the text, accuracy and fulness of stage directions and 
scenery, or elegance of typography and clearness of printing. 

*^* In ordering please copy the figures at the comtneroyiement of eacJi piece, which indicate 
the number of the piece in "De Witt's List of Acting Plavs." 

1^=- Any of the following Plaijs sent, postage free, on receipt of price — 15 
cents each. 

Address, ROBERT M. DE WITT, 

JVo. JS nose Street, JVety York, 

jg^ The figure following the name of the Play denotes the number of 
Acts, The fio-ures in the columns indicate the number of characters — M. wa/e; 
P. female. 



No. 

75. 
114. 
167. 

93. 

40. 

89. 
192. 
166. 

41. 
141. 

67. 

36. 
160. 

70. 
179. 

35. 

24. 
1. 

69. 
175. 

55. 



76. 
149. 
121. 
107. 
152. 

52. 
148. 

113. 
199. 

20. 
4. 

22. 

96. 

16. 

53. 
125. 

71. 
143. 



M. F. 

Adrienne, drama, 3 acts 7 3 

Anything for a Change, comedy, 13 3 
Apple Blossoms, comedy, 3 acts. ..73 

Area Belle (The), laice, 1 act 3 2 

Atchi, comedietta, 1 act — 3 2 

Aunt Charlotte's Maid, farce. 1 act.. 3 3 

Game of Cards (A), comedietta, 13 1 

Bardell vs. Pickwick, sketch, 1 act. 6 2 

Beautiful Forever, farce, 1 act 2 3 

Bells (The), drama, 3 acts 9 3 

Birthplace of Podgers, farce, 1 act . . 7 3 

Black Sheep, drama, 3 acts 7 5 

Blow for Blow, drama, 4 acts 11 6 

Bonnie Fish Wife, farce, 1 act 3 1 

Breach of Promise,, drama, 2 acts. . 5 2 

Broken-Hearted Club, comedietta, 14 8 

Cabman, No. 93, farce, 1 act .2 2 

Caste, comedy, 3 acts 5 3 

Caught by the Cuff, farce, 1 act 4 1 

Cast upon the World, drama, 5acts.l0 5 
Catharine Howard, historical plaj^ 

3 acts 12 5 

Charming pair, farce, 1 act 4 3 

Checkmate, comedy, 2 acts 6 5 

Chevalier de St. George, drama, 3 9 3 

Chops of the Channel, farce, 1 act. 3 2 

Clouds, comedy, 4 acts 8 7 

Comical Countess, farce, 1 act 3 1 

Cupboard Love, farce, 1 act 2 1 

Cupid's Eye-Glass, co:nedy, 1 act... 1 1 

Cup of Tea, comedietta, 1 act 3 1 

Cut off with a Shilling, comedietta, 

1 act 2 1 

Cyrill's Success, comedy, 5 acts 10 4 

Captain of the Watch (The), come- 
dietta, 1 act 4 2 

Daddy Gray, drama, 3 acts 8 4 

Dandelion's Dodges, farce, 1 act 4 2 

David liar rick, comedy, 3 acts 8 3 

Dearest Mamma, comedietta, 1 act, 4 3 

Dearer than Life, drama, 3 acts 6 5 

Deborah (Leah) drama, 3 acts 7 6 

Deerfoot, farce. 1 act 5 1 

Doing for the Best, drama, 2 acts. . 5 3 

Dollars and Cents, comedy, 3 acts. . 9 4 



No. M. F, 

21. Dreams, drama, 5 acts 6 3 

186. Duchess de la Valliere, play, 5 acts. . 6 4 
47. Easy Shaving, farce, 1 act 5 2 

13 >. Everybody's Friend, comedy, 3 acts. 6 5 

200. Estranged, an operetta, 1 act 2 1 

103. Faust- and Marguerite, drama, 3 acts, 9 7 
9. Fearful Tragedy in the Seven Dials, 

interlude, 1 act 4 1 

128. Female Detective, drama, 3 acts. ...11 4 

101. Fernande, drama, 3 acts 11 10 

99. Fifth Wheel, comedy, 3 acts 10 S 

145. First Love, comedy, 1 act 4 1 

102. Foiled, drama. 4 acts 9 3 

88. Founded on Facts, farc'e, 1 act.. . . 4 2 

74. Garrlck Fever, farce, 1 act 7 4 

53. Gertrude's Money Box, farce, 1 act. 4 2 

73. Golden Fetter (Fettered), drama, 3 11 4 
30. Goose with the Golden Eggs, farce, 

1 act 5 3 

131. Go to Putney, farce, 1 act 4 3 

28. Happy Pair, comedietta, 1 act 1 1 

151. Hard Case (A), farce, 1 act 2 

8. Henry Dunbar, drama, 4 acts 10 3 

180. Henry the Fifth, historical play, 5 38 5 

19. He's a Lunatic, farce, 1 act. 3 2 

60. Hidden Hand, drama, 4 acts 5 5 

187. His Own Enemy, farce, 1 act 4 1 

174. Home, comedy, 3 acts ,4 3 

64. Household Fairy, sketch, 1 act 1 1 

190. Hunting the Slipper, farce, 1 act 4 1 

191. High C, comedietta, 1 act 4 2 

197, Hunchback (The), play, 5 acts 14 2 

18. If I Had a Thousand a Year, farce, 

1 act 4 3 

116. I'm Not Mesilf at All, original Irish 

stew, 1 act , 3 2 

129. In for a Holiday, farce, 1 act % 3 

159. In the Wrong House, farce, 1 act. . . 4 £ 

122. Isabella OrsiVii, drama, 4 acts 11 4 

177. I Sha'l Invite the Major, comedy, 14 1 

100. Tack Long, drama, 2 acts 9 2 

139. Joy is Dangerous, comedy, 2 acts.., 3 8 

17. Kind to a Fault, comedy, 2 acts 6 4 

86. Lady of Lyons, play, 5 acts 12 5 

72. Lame Excuse, farce, 1 act 4 S 



MY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE. 



% Jfara, 



IN ONE ACT 



ADAPTED FROM THE FRENCH, 

By Alfred' BUNN, Esq., 

Axithor of the Libretto of " The Bohemian Girl,'''' etc. 



AS FIRST PRODUCED AT COVENT GARDEN THEATRE, LONDON 



TO WHICH ARE ADDED 

A DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUME — CAST OF THE CHARACTERS — EN- 
TRANCES AND EXITS — RELATrV^E POSITIONS OF THE 
PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE 
OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 



(i ;^r- /r337 ^^ 



NEW Y OR K.- 
CLINTON T. DE WITT, PUBLISHER, 

(SUCCESSOR TO R. M. DE WITT), 

No. 33 Rose Street. 



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MY NEIGHBOR S AVIFI 



SGENEIIY. 

SCENE.— A chamber. At the first entrance, r., is a window, and at the second 
entrance a door, leading to an inner apartment. At the fir.<t entrance, l., is a small 
apartment, the inside of which is visible to the audience. It is entered by a side 

I I 

• Door. 



Painter's Easel. Ladies' "Work Table. 



XT 

Table. 



R. 2 E. Door. • Small 

Door. 

Room. 



R. 1 E. Window. ^- 1 ^• 



R. R. c. 



L. 



Orchestra, 



door at l. c, with a window over it— a centre door in the flats. On one side is a 
painter's easel, with a picture on it. Pistols, crossed, hang up against the wall, 
near the window ; a table partly laid out ; chairs ; a lady's work-table (surmounted 
by a looking-glass), containing plates, glasses, etc. 



COSTUMES. 

SoMERTON.— Evening dress. 

Smith.— Green body-coat, crimson velvet waistcoat, black stock, buff trousers, 

large whiskers. 
Brown. — Brown cloth body-coat, white waistcoat, white cravat, black trousers and 

gaiters, broad-brimmed hat. 
The Ladies.— Fashionable walkhig dresses. 



PROPERTIES. 
Painting and painter's brushes, one large painting, tubes, etc. ; two pistols, 
plates, glasses, knives and forks for supper-table ; two letters, in envelopes ; vol- 
ume of La Fontaine's Fables, one flute, basket of eatables, one bouquet, one dress- 
ing-gown. . 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means Right of Stage, facing the Audience ; L. Left; C. Centre ; E. C. Right 
of Centre ; L. C. Left of Centre. D. F. Door in the Flat, or Scene running across 
the back of the Sta!i;e; C. D. F. Centre Door in the Flat ; R. D. F. Right Door in 
the Flat; L. D. F. Left Door in the Flat ; U. D. Right Door ; L. D. Left Door ; 1 E. 
First Entrance; 2 E. Second Entrance; U. E. Upper Entrance ; 1, 2 or 3 G. First, 
Second or Third Grooves. 

R. R. C. C. L. C. L. 

Bar The reader ia supposed to be upon the stage facing the audience. 



MY NEIGHBORS WIFE. 



smopsis. 



Mrs. Somerton, Mrs. Smith, and Mrs. Brown arc together in the chamber of 
the former. The ladies are discoursing about the fickleness of husbands. Mes- 
dames B. and S. express their disbelief ir the honor of any of the genus except 
their own particular partners. They commiserate with Mrs. Somerton, as her 
husband is so often absent, and hint that these absences are prompted by no good 
motive. Mrs. S., however, not only quietly defends her husband, but hints to her 
fair friends that they had better look at home, and adds the \vii<h that they may 
always find their husbands faithful. They scout the idea, and are taking their 
leave when Mrs. S. tells them that should it so happen that their husbands did not 
return she would be pleased to have them drop in and take supper with her, adding 
that she bears them no grudge for having always thrown out insinuations against 
Mr. S. They bid her good-bye, and retire. She smiles as she recalls the fact that 
she has in her pocket notes from both the ladies' husbands, in which they invite 
themselves to call upon her that very evening, each ignorant of the other's project, 
but both aware that Mr. S. intends to dine out. When her husband returns Mrs. 
S., after making him promise not to fly In a passion, shows him the notes, and tells 
him of her plan to punish the gay Lothai'ios, with his assistance. He assents, and 
puts off his dinner engagement. The two dupes arrive, and are pleasantly re- 
ceived b}" Mrs. SoMERTON, who contrives to make each of them believe that the 
other's presence was unsought for. They glare fiercely at each other when unno- 
ticed, smiling blandly when they meet each other's look. Smith has brought an 
expensive supper in a basket, and Mrs. Somerton lays the cloth, and they sit down 
to supper. When Mrs. S. is about leaving the room to get the coffee, B. and S. try 
to follow her, but baffle each other, and she leaves unattended. Dinner proceeds, 
and the truant husbands are growing gay, when, just as they are toasting their 
pretty hostess, a knock is heard. They all start as Mr. S.'s voice is heard calling 
upon his wife to admit him. The lady, apparently greatly alarmed, begs her guests 
to hide. They crowd into a closet as she goes off to admit her husband. He enters 
with her. Mr. S., who has been apprised of the whereabouts of the delinquents, 
says to his wife, " My dear, you appear to be taking advantage of my absence— pat- 
ties, lobsters, jellies, wines " She explains that she had invited her neighbors, 

Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Brown, and she proceeds to summon them. While she is 
away Mr. S. soliloquizes aloud, so as to be heard by the two unwilling listeners. 
He intimates that the supper arrangement looks a little suspicious, and that if he 
should ever have cause to suspect anyone tampering with his dear wife's affections 
he would kill him on sight. Still he admits that he is smitten with one of his 
neighbors' wives, and that he will seize the opportunitj' afforded by their supping 
there to declare his love. This sets both the hidden husbands quaking with jealousy. 
The two ladies come on with Mrs. Somerton, her husbaud receiving them with 
gallant and flattering expressions of his delight. They sit at table, and the hungry 
husbands have the felicity of hearing them dilate upon the delicious viands. Mr. 
and Mrs. S. contrive it so that S. shall be left alone, alternately, witii Mrs. B. and 
Mrs. S., and he takes the opportunity to pour a lover's adulation in their ears. This 
makes the two concealed fellows almost frantic, and they lose no point with which 
to tease each other. Somerton coaxes a bracelet from one lady — a bouquet from 
the other. At last the two visiting ladies say that they must return home, as their 
husbands might be sulky if they came back and found them absent. Mr. S. says 
that he will tell them a little circumstance that happened to a friend of his. He 
then recalls the whole situation of the flirting husbands, of the tit-for-tat flirtation 
of the two wives, and concludes by saying that the repentant husbands came from 
their concealment, fell upon their knees to their injured wives, and were rorgiven. 
Brown and Smith come forth, ask forgiveness, and agree in the future to confine 
their devotion to their own fireside, and never to interfere with their Neighbors' 
Wives. 



MY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE. 



SCENE. — A chamber. At the first entrance, r., is a icindow, and at 
the second entrance a door, leading to an inner^ apartment. At 
the first entrance., l., is a small apartment, the inside of which is 
visible to the Audience. It is entered by a side door at l. c, tcith 
a windoiD over it — a centre door in the flats — on one sideis a pain- 
ter's easel, with a picture on it — pistols, crossed, hang itp against 
the wall, near the icindow — a table partly laid out— chairs — a lady's 
work-table, surmounted by a looking-glass, containing plates, 
glasses, etc. 

Mrs. Somerton, Mrs. Brown, and Mrs. Smith, discovered. 

Mrs. Somerton (c). Well, my dears, say what yoii will, I repeat it 
again — men are all monsters. 

Mrs. Brown. All — except Mr. Brown. 

Mrs. Smith. And Mr. Smith. 

Mrs. S. (aside). Poor souls 1 If I were to tell them all. (to them) 
Don't flatter yourselves too much ; certainly I have every confidence in 
the affection and fidelity of my husband; but {significantly) when I 
see what is going on in other establishments, I tremble for fear Mr. 
Somerton should be as deceitful as the rest of the world ; and, notwith- 
standing appearances, I really would not swear to anything. 

Mrs. Smith. There I have the advantage over you, Mrs. Somerton, 
for I swear Mr. Smith is faithful to me 

Mrs. B. And I'll take my oath, Mr. Brown is faithful to me. 

Mrs. S. Really! 

Mrs. Smith. I'm not at all astonished at your being uneasy, my dear 
Mrs. Somerton, who have married a wild, giddy young man. It is not 
possible you could be otherwise ; but Mr. Smith being a plain, steady 
tradesman, of a steady age 

Mrs. B. And Mr. i3ro\vn a city broker — never out of his counting- 
house, and one whose sole thoughts are on his business and his wife's 
happiness — he never does anything without consulting me. 

Mrs. S. Really ! 

Mks. Smith. Then Mr. Smith is as modest, timid, and reserved as a 
young girl, and would not dare to open his mouth without first asking 
iny permission. 

Mrs. B. It is that which makes me love Mr. Brown. 

Mrs Smith. And me adore Mr. Smith. 

Mrs. B. {to Mks. Somerton). But your husband, my dear, is too 
giddy and dissipated. 

Mrs. Smith. And not half reserved enough in his conversation. 

Mrs. B. And looking at all women with singular audacity. Oh, my 
dear Mrs. Somerton, really 



6 MY NEIGHBOK S WIPE. 

Mrs. S. My worthj^ neighbors, you are too good by half; but I don't 
want any one to be uneasy about me. {they rise) I am very happy, be- 
lieve me. I love my Somerton just as he is, with all his good qualities 
and all his failinos ; I never fliid fault with the friends of my husband, 
and prefer that he should be polite and attentive to all who visit us — 
even to you, my dears ! 

^^««- J- ? To us ! 

Mrs. Smith. ) 

Mrs. S. To be sure, for you know you are both very handsome. 

Mrs B. Oh ! 

Mrs. Smith. Oh ! — You are too kind. 

Mrs. S. Notwithstanding we are neighbors, you might be dangerous 
rivals. But I have no fear of you. 

Mrs. B. You have no reason. 

Mrs Smith. No, none. 

Mi;s. S Of course not; at the same time, I defy you, with all your 
charms and all your esprit, to make him inconstant. And, as friends 
and neighbors, 1 must speak very x"rankly to you, and tell you that in- 
stead of troubling yourselves so much about what is going on in my 
house, you should look a little more to your own. {aside) They won't 
easily get over that, {crosses to r.) 

M^<W. ['^oours? 
Mrs. Smit'i ) 

Mrs. B. Ar .at can she mean ? 

Mrs. Smith. Why, my dear Mrs. Somerton, what are you thmking 
about ] 

Mrs. S. Oh, nothing of any moment, or certainly — T most sincerely 
wish your husbands may always be faithful to you. {significantly.) 

Mrs. B. But, my dear IMrs. Somerton, if you really know anything, 
you ouglit to tell us. 

Mrs. Smith. Pray speak out. 

Mrs. S. Oh, bless you, I know nothing — at least nothing positive, 
nothing more than — you know about my husband ; therefore, my dear 
good people, suppose we change the subject. What are you both going 
to do to-night? 

Mrs. B. I'm going home, to be sure ! 

Mrs. Smith. So am I. 

Mrs. S. And I shall sup with Mr. Somerton. {goes up to table, r.) 

Mrs. B. And I with my dear Timothy. 

Mrs. Smith. And I with my beloved Jonathan. 

Mrs. S. Well, a good appetite, and a good supper. (Mrs. Brows and 
Mrs. Smith are about to go, ichen Mrs. Somerton stays them) But I 
say — suppose by any chance your husbands should not come home 1 

Mrs. B. {'cehemently). What 1 

Mrs. Smith {confidently). That is quite impossible, {going.) 

Mi5s. S. Well— I only said "suppose," and if they do not, you will 
.Ind a knife and fork ready for you here. 

Mrs. B. You are very kind. 

Mrs. Smith. But don't make yourself uneasy, we shall have no reason 
to do that. 

Mrs. S. I hope not; however, you will find a hearty welcome ; for 1 
bear you no grudge, you see, for your attacks upon poor Somerton's 
fidelity. 

Mrs. B. Oh! it's all nothing, but neighbors' gossip. Adieu! 

Mrs. Smith. Good-night, my dear. 

Mrs. S. Good-bye, and don't forget; here's a plate for you, if you 
like to come back, {crosses to r., as they go up.) 



MY NEIGHBOR S WITE. 7 

Mrs. B. Ha, ha ! {aside, as going out) Poor thing ! She knows her 
husband is gone out gallavanting. [Exeunt, c. and r. 

Mrs. S. There they go, a couple of poor silly dupes. I've put them 
in a bit of a fume, however ; and it serves them right for coming and 
abusing my husband to my face. Thank fortune, I'm not at all jealous, 
but I should like to revenge myself on these worthy people, for trying 
to make me so ; and there could not be a better opportunity, for these 
two identical husbands have each written me a love-letter. Now the 
idea of two such fellows, with two such names as Jonathan Smith and 
Timothy Brown — the one a stock-broker of five-and-thirty, the other a 
lailor of forty — daring to write billet-doux to their neighbor's wife, is 
quite provocation enough — my husband is gone out to dinner, and was 
to have gone to the city ball afterwards, but I begged him to come home 
at eight to a minute ; and, that we may keep the jest among ourselves, 
and not be the talk of the city, I have prudently given the servants a 
holiday, so that when Charles comes back, I must let him in myself, 
and I hope I shall be better able to answer than my neighbors for con- 
jugal punctualit3^ {a knocking heard) There he is, I'm sure, (runs off 
at c. and r., returning with Someuton.) 

SoMER. My dear, why did you open the door yourself — where are the 
servants 1 

Mrs. S. Never mind, they are all out. 

Somer. All out 7 

Mrs. S. Yes, yes ; but I thank you, my dear Charles, for coming 
home thus in good time. 

Somer. It was your wish, ray Caroline, and that was quite enough for 
me to obey it ; but 

Mrs. S. But — but — I hope it has not put you out of your way. 

Somer. Not at all, my dear ; but I should, notwithstanding, like to 
know why you have pressed me so urgently not to go to this ball, and 
to come home exactly at eight. 

Mrs. S. You must first of all promise me faithfully that you will not 
fly in a passion with me, or be angry with any one else; but have a 
hearty laugh at what I'm going to tell you. 

Somer. That's as it may happen. 

Mrs. S. And that if you are determined to have revenge upon any 
one, you'll let me have the management of it. 

Somer. I don't much like this opening. 

Mrs. S. Well, you promise me all this? 

Somer. Well, well, I will. 

Mrs. S. Agreed, then, {taking a letter out of one of the pockets of 
her apron) Read that letter, {giving it to Somerton.) 

Somer. {reading the letter). "Adorable Caroline" — what — who is 
this impudent scoundrel ? 

Mrs. S. You forget your promise, Charles, and are in a passion 
already — come, read on. 

Somer. {reading). " Adorable Caroline — Your derision and cruelty 
have preyed upon my heart, and caused it the deepest anguish. I am 
most anxious to tell you all I feel before I fly from you forever ; and as 
your husband is going this evening to the city ball, grant me the de- 
lightful favor of an interview. If I do not receive an answer from you, 
I will be under your window a little after eight, and will clap my 
hands three times as a signal, to let you know I am there; when I 
hope you will not refuse to receive the last farewell of your disconso- 
late Timothy.'' Timothy I What! Timothy Brown the broker, my 
next-door neighbor 1 

Mrs. S. The very man ! 



8 MY neighboe's wife. 

SoMER. Why, the impudent vagabond — with his mild manners and 
placid countenance ! But there is no trusting to appearances. 

Mrs. S.. But this is not all, my dear Charles — read this ! {taking an- 
other letter out of the other pocket, and giving it to him.) 

SoMEK, Another ? 

Mrs, S. Yes ; but pray make haste and read. 

SoMER. {reading). " Incomparable and inexorable beauty ! I am 
above all duplicity, and prefer candidly and at once opening my heart, 
rather than adopting any circuitous method. Since I first knew you I 
have almost ceased to know myself, and my heart will break unless I 
can relieve it by a personal confession ; I, therefore, implore you to 
grant me an interview. I understand your husband is going to the city 
ball to-night. About a quarter after eight you v/ill hear under your 
window the sound of my flute, and, if you will only deign to open it, it 
will convince me you are not inflexible. I shall bring with me some 
nice things for a quiet supper, which I have expressly ordered from 
Birch's, as a slight proof of the devotion of your attached — Jonathan.'''' 
What ! that damned tailor, my other next-door neighbor. Why, the 
tailor is even more impudent than the broker ! 

Mrs. S. Now, is it not much better to laugh at these coxcombs than 
to fly in a passion with them ? 

Somer. But what do you propose 1 

Mrs. S. First of all, that you go out. 

Somer. What ! Go out 1 

Mrs. S. That is indispensable ; and as soon as you are gone I will re- 
ceive them. 

Somer. But you must explain. 

Mrs. S. I will receive them, and then 

^ Somer. And then ! What then 1 

Mrs. S. {taking a hook from lady's work table, and giving it to 
Somerton). Here, take this volume, it is La Fontaine, and at the bot- 
tom of this psige {pointing with her finger) you will read all I want you 
to do. 

Somer. {glancing oner it). Oh, I understand — I take, and will follow 
implicitly your instructions. 

Mrs. S. It's settled then % 

SoMEii. Quite, {three claps of the hand are heard, r.) That's the 
broker to a certainty. 

Mrs. S. And to his time. 

Somer. Then I'll slip down the back staircase. (Somerton goes out at 
the door, r. 1 e.) 

Mrs. S. Now then to receive my beaux ; but I must first set myself 
all in apple-pie order ; {going to the glass) for, notwithstanding we de- 
spise people, we ought always to appear before them to the best ad- 
vantage {arranging herself before the glass, and speaking) Mrs. 
Somerton, I think you are looking very well to-night, {a knock, r. u. 
E.) I'm coming. There's nothing like keeping one's lover in a little 
suspense, {knock again) Coming, coming. Bless me, he is very im- 
patient. There, now I'm all right ; and now for opening the door. 
{knock again. She goes off, c, and r., returning with Mr. Brown.) 
Oh, it's you, Mr. Brown, 

Brown, At last, my cruel Caroline, I behold you. I almost feared you 
would refuse me admittance, 

Mrs, S. What? Do you think yourself so very dangerous then 1 

Brown, Not that ; but you can, I hope, make some allowance for the 
feelings of an anxious lover. 



MY NEIGHBORS WIFE. \f 

Mrs. S. You must not talk in tliat manner ; for if any one should 
overliear you — [sound of a flute is heard under the window, l. 2 e.) 

Brown. Why, that's a flute, and very like the tune that our neighbor 
Smith is so perpetually playing. 

Mrs. S. The very same, {aside) And the signal mentioned in his 
letter, {opens the window, then says to Brown) He's coming to 
spend the evening with us. 

Bkown. With us 1 Oh, Caroline, Caroline, this is cruel of you ! 

Mrs. S. Cruel, indeed ; why, what do you take me for "? In the ab- 
sence of my husband, to remain alone with a man ; and [sneeringly) 
such a captivating young man as you, Mr. Brown. Oh, no, I could not 
think of such a thing. 

Brown. Then this is only to save appearances. 

Mrs. S. Oh, nothing more. 

Brown {aside). Well, then, I must put up with it ; but it is devilish 
unpleasant for all that. 

Enter Smith on tiptoe, icith a flute in one hand, and carrying in the 
other a basket icith sundry provisions. 

Smith {looking in). The door left open ; it is evident then she expects 
me. Are you alone, my pretty Caroline 1 {advances ) 

Mrs. S: Oh, no ; Mr. Brown is here — come on purpose to keep us 
company. 

Smith (r.). Brown ! 

Brown (l.). At your service — if I can be of the slightest use to you. 

Smith. Certainly, I'm delighted, {aside) The devil take him, say I. 
{to Mrs. Somerton) When is he going ? I suppose he does not sup 
with us 1 

Mrs. S. To be sure he does, {alternately to one and the other) 
My husband, you know, has gone to the city ball to-night; and I stay 
at home with two of his friends ; if I was with one only, they might 
raise ill reports of me; but with two even slander itself can say 
nothing. 

Smith. Oh, certainly ; you are very right, {aside) This fellow 
Brown is invited, I see, as a sort of go-between, and cloak to cover our 
proceedings ; luckily, he is a great fool, and I can turn him about to my 
purpose as I please. 

Brown. That d — d fellow, Smith, is always in the way 

Smith. My dear friend — glad to see you. {to Brown.) 

Brown. You are very kind. 

Smith. Come, make yourself useful, and help me to open my provi- 
sion store. 

Mrs. S. Ay, do so. and here's a table nearly ready to receive all. 

Smith {to Brown). Well, prepare the table for some of Birch's very 
best, {aside to Mrs. Somerton) You beauty, I adore you more than 
ever. 

Mrs. S. Are you mad 1 

Smith. Yes I am, and you have made me so. 

Mrs. S. Be quiet — hold your tongue, {he advances up the stayed 

Brown {leaving the table and coming down on the l. side of Mrs. 
Somerton). What is that he is saying to you ? Is he making love to 
you 1 

Mrs. S. Quite the contrary ; he is telling me I ought to listen to 
yon. 

Brown. Oh ! Then it's all right. 

Mrs. S. {going to the table). The knives and forks are wanted. I'll 



10 MY NEIGHBOB's wipe. 

go for them in the next room, and at the same time order coffee and 
liqueurs to be got ready. 

Brown. Pray do not trouble yourself. 

Smith. She's right; it's all the fashion now. (Mrs. Somerton goes 
out at door, r. 1 e. Smith is about to follow her.) 

Brown (pullmg Mm back by the coat-tail). Isn't she a delightful 
creature 1 

Smith. What are you talking about 1 

Brown {as Smith is again about to follow Mrs. Somerton, takes him 
by the arm, and brings him forward). Now, my dear fellow, you can 
help me in a most essential manner with her. 

Smith. Help you ? ^ 

Brown. And if you will rely on my gratitude 

Smith. IVhy, my friend, I think you are out of your mind. 

Brown. How ? 

Smith. Why, I calculated on you to plead my cause with Mrs. 
Somerton 

Brown. On me 1 

Smith. That is, if you wish to preserve my good opinion. 

Brown. You love her, then % 

Smith. That I do. 

Brown. So do I, a hundred times more than you do. 

Smith. You fellow ! — love her ! — I'd have you to know [follows 

him to jj.) 

Brown. And I'd have you to know — if, sir, you have the audacity 
only to think (follotcs him to r.) 

Mrs. S. {without). Now, then, here they are. 

Smith. She's coming ; so pray be silent before her. 

Enter Mrs. Somerton, r. 1 e. 

Mrs. S. Now, gentlemen, to supper. 

Both. Ay, to supper. 

Brown {aside). I shall have an eye on that fellow. 

Smith (aside). I shan't lose sight of you. Mr. Brown, I promise you. 

Brown. Smith, my dear fellow, give me your hand — a thousand 
thanks. 

Smith. Why, what's the man thanking me for ? 

Mrs. S. Why, for the handsome supper to which you have invited 
him. 

Smith. It is not to me, but yourself, my dear Mrs. Somerton, to 
whom all thanks are due. 

Mrs. S. Oh, no! to you. 

Brown. To you both — you, my charming madam, {to Mrs. Somerton) 
and you, my good friend — to you both. 

Smith. The man's a fool, {going to table — Mrs. Somerton sits at 
table, icith Brown on her right hand, and Smith on her left hand.) 

Mrs. S. Well, really, this is delightful — by the .side of those we love, 
and opposite to those we esteem — surely woman can desire no more ! 

Broavn {aside). After all, I flatter myself I am the man. 

Mrs. S. Now, gentlemen, pray help yourselves. 

Brown. I will first propose a toast — " Here's to the beautiful Caro- 
line." 

Smith. " To the beautiful Caroline ;" — the rascal there has got the 
start of me. {as they are about to Jill their glasses, a knocking is heard 
without, R.) 

Mrs S. Bless me, who can be knocking at this hour ? 



MY neighbor's wife. 11 

Brown. It's very odd 

- Smith. And very unpleasant. 

SoMER, {without). Caroline, my dear, open the door to me. 

Mus. S. It's my husband I I'm lost ! 

Brown. I wish 1 was 

Smith. I'm a dead man. 
'lis. S. But what's to be done? — liide yourselves, in mercy's sake! 

►Smith. It's very well to say liide, but wiiere \ {rises.) 

Mrs. S. {pointing to the chamber, l.). There, in that little closet — 
make haste — I'm half <\cdii\. {in a loudooice) Coming, Charles, cofnins, 
my dear, [to Brown and Smith) Keep silent or we're ruined, {they 
entei door oj the closet, as she goes off, c, and lets in Somerton ) 

SoMER. {advancing). This is not very kind treatment, my dear, to 
keep me waiting in this manner. 

Mks. S. Don't be angry, Charles, the fact is, I did not expect you 
home so early. 

Brown {m chamber). How her voice trembles. 

Smith {in cliamber). Enough to make it. 

Mrs. S. (*/i a low voice, and pointing to the closet). There they are. 

SoMER. Capital, {aloud) I don't intend, m^dear, to go to this ball 
to-night. 

Brown ^ 
and > Oh ! {a sort of mutual groan.) 

Smith. ) 

SoMER. What noise is that, love ? 

Mrs. S. I heard nothing {both scarcely able to smother their 

laughter.) 

Smith (^6> Brown). Don't breathe, or we're dead men. 

Brown. I'm dumb. 

SoMER. {looking at the table). You don't appear to have been very dis- 
consolate at my absence, my dear, to judize by the display on your 
lable — pattie.s, lobsters, tarts, jellies, whip 

Mrs. S. Why, yes. my dear— and no— wliy, that is 

SoMER. That is what, my dear? 

Mrs. S. Why, 1 had invited two ladies, our next-door neighbors. 

SoMER. What! Mrs. Smith V 

Smith. My wife ! 

Mrs. S. And Mrs. Brown. 

Brown. My wife I 

Smith. Leave these women alone for getting out^ 
of a scrap. > {inside chamber.) 

Brown. And perhaps for getting us into one. ) 

SoMER. So, my dear, you have invited two neigiibors 1 I'm very 
glad to hear of it. Run in, love, and fetch them, and say that supper 
is ready, and we are waiting for them. 

Mrs. S. I'll step in at once 

SoMER. Ay, do. 

Mrs. S. And bring them in instantly, {as she goes out at d. p., 
Somerton lays another knife and fork, and puts the table m order.) 

Smith. J/y wife will not come, I'm sure. 

Brown. Nor mine either, for she expects me home. 

SoMER. There, that will do, I shall sit here, between Mrs. Smith and 
Mrs. Brown, and iny wife opposite to me. {goes up the stage, brings 
down his pistols, and loads them.) 

Smith. Well, he's taking it very coolly. 

SoMER. I'm not altogether comfortable in my mind, for when I came 
in it struck me that my wife looked extremely embarrassed 



12 MY NEIGHBOR S WEPE. 

Brown. But what is he doing there 1- 

Smith. I don't know — I'll peep through the key-hole. Why, as I'm 
alive, he's loading his pistols. 

Brown. Then he has certainly seen us. 

Smith. Hold your tongue, Brown, or he'll stop it for you. 

SoMER. {talking to himself, hut loud enough to he heard hy Brown 
and Smith). And a thought came into my head, that if she could — but 
that is impossible, for I am sure she loves me; besides, she well knows 
that il I were to surprise any man here at this hour, if he were the 
dearest friend I have on earth, I'd blow his brains out on the spot, {he is 
pacing the stage, and stops hy the little closet where Brown and Smith 
are concealed, as he says the latter part of the sentence ; they hob down 
their heads at his approach — he then seats himself at the tahle.) 

Smith {lifting up his head). Did you hear what he said 1 

Brown. Yes ; but it won't bear repeating. 

SoMER. I'll load them both with a couple of bullets. Thank fortune, 
that touch of jealousy was but momentary ; I have no right to suspect 
my Caroline— and at this moment I ought to be especially grateful to 
her for inviting our two neighbors, particularly one of them, who is the 
most amiable and delightful woman on earth. 

Smith. That's my wife ! 

Brown. No ; mine. 

SoMER. And I have been in love with her for a long time without 
daring to tell her so 

Smith. If he's in love with her, it is yours. 

Brown, No , yours. 

SoMER. However, to-day 1 feel a little more nerve and impudence in 
my composition, and I'll contrive some opportunity of declaring my- 
self — so, ray next-door neighbor, I'd advise you to be on the lookout. 
Now. let us put these out of harm's way m the closet, {he goes toward 
the closet, r., andis ahout to open it.) 

Smith. He is coming here. 

Brow.v. Then we are a brace of dead men. 

Mrs. S. {outside). Come, my dear friends, this way — this way 

Somer. Oh, the charmers! Here they come ! {jjuts ?iis pistols in a 
chair, and goes off c. and r., Brown and Smith cautiously open the 
closet door, and peep out.) 

Br.owN. At present we are well out of that ! 

Smith. Yes , if he don't come back. Every bit of my skin is like 
goose's flesh, {they retreat ) 

Enter Mrs. Somerton, witJi Mrs. Brown in one hand, and Mrs. Smith 
m the other. 

Somer Ladies, most welcome! 

Mrs. B. Good-evening, Mr. Somerton. 

Brown. That's my wife — ihe coquette ! 

Mus. Smith. Mr. Somerton, your most obedient. 

Smith. And that's mine — the monster ! 

Mus. S. My dear Charles, our fVipnds hesitated coming, for a moment, 
for fear of displeasing their husbands, buL I assured them you would 
l)lead their cause before them. 

at'^ ' C3* i And we have only come on that condition 

Mrs. Smith. ) •' 

SoMRR. Willingly, most willijigly — I was going to the city ball to- 
night, but I feel no regret at having abandoned its attra,ctions, since it 
has procured me the pleasure of passing the evening with you. Will 



MY neighbor's wife. 13 

you allow me to offer you a hand ! (takesMns. Brown in one hand, and 
Mks. Smith in the other, and j)laces them at the table on each side of 
7iimself—MB.s. Somerton opposite.) 

Smith. Why, they are going to eat up my supper ! 

Brow.v. Aiul 1 am dying with hunger. 

SoMEi?. {tasting the pat6 and recommending it). This pate is excel- 
lent, I assure you. 

Smith. It ought to be, it cost me half a guinea. 

SoMER. Will you allow me the pleasure, charming Mrs. Smith 1 

Brown. Did you hear that ? (aside) Poor Smith ! 

Mrs. S. My dear Charles, I am the only one you have forgotten. 

SoMER. True, my love, but hospitality to our friends made me for a 
moment forgetful, {they drink, help each other, and seem to enjoy their 
supper.) 

Brown. I don't hear a word. 

Smith. How the devil can they speak when all their mouths are chuck 
full ? 

Brown. I should like, at all events, to see what they're about. 

Smith. There's a window, let us get up on the table, {they put up a 
table against the door, and two chairs on the table, then open the small 
windoiD, at which they occasionally appear and disappear., the audience 
seeing what they are doing through the large front windoio.) 

SoMER. Well, really, this is one of the most dehghtful evenings lever 
enjoyed. 

Mrs. Smith. And, to tell you the truth, it's very pleasant now and 
then to be away from the restraint of one's husband. 

Smith, {at the windew). Very, no doubt. 

Mrs. B. And to enjoy a friend's society without any low and vulgar 
suspicions. 

Brown. Very pleasant truly. I say, the supper smells nice, don't if? 

Smith. Your wife seems to think so, for she's making a tolerable good 
example of it. Brown, have an eye to your wife. 

Brown. Smith, have an eye to your forehead. 

SoMKR. My dear Caroline, we ought to be obliged by your kind atten- 
tion and good supper, but it seems to mo there is one thing still wanting. 

Mrs. S. What is that, Charles ? 

SoMER. Why, I dare say our friends would like one glass of cham- 
pagne just by way of a wind up. 

Mrs. S. Very true, Charles. 

Mrs. B. Champagne ! we have some capital champagne at home — 
but my husband, a niggardly fellow, always locks it up, and never 
offers any one a drop ; if you will wait a minute, I'll run and fetch two 
or three bottles. 

Brown. Precious little devil ! 

Smith. Hold your tongue, man. 

Somer. You shall not go alone ; allow me to escort you. 

Brown. Why, the fellow offers his arm to my wife. 

Mrs. S. By no means, I will go with you, my dear Mrs, Brown, and 
Charles shall stay and keep Mrs^ Smith company. 

Smith. So much the better, then she'll be under my own eye. 

Mrs. B. Come along, my dear, we'll be back in a moment ; but mind 
my husband must know nothing about it. {they go off at c. b., followed 
to the door by Somertox and Mrs. Smith ) 

Brown. The baggage — I'll murder her. (pokes his body half out of 
the window, and is pulled back by Smith, an action they alternately re- 
peat, until Somerton and Mrs. Smith have advanced.) 

fcMiTH. Be quiet, Brown. 



14 MY NEIGHBOBS WIFE. 

Brown. I'll be the death of her. 

Smith. We shall be the death of one another, if you don't be silent. 

SoMER. At length, my dear Mrs. Smith, we are alone. 

Mrs. Smith. And what then, my dear sir 1 

SoMER. What, can you not guess ] 

Mrs. Smith. No. 

Smith. Whv, what the devil is going to happen now 1 

Brown. Hush ! be quiet, Smith. Do you see Somerton whispering 
to your wife ! 

Smith. Whispering proves nothing. 

SoMER. {gomg near to Mrs. Smith). I have sought this delightful 
tete-a-tete for many a long day past. 

Mrs. Smith (drawing herself up). Sir, do you know to whom you 
are addressing yourself? 

Smith. That's a seLtler for him. (aside at icindow.) 

Somer. To the most beautiful, most adored, yet most cruel of her 
sex. 

Mrs. Smith. You greatly astonish me — this is the first time you 
ever 

SoMER. If ray lips have been silent, surely my looks must have made 
you acquainted with this passion, that will end only with my life. 

Mrs. Smith. Pray think no more of me — remember I'm married. 

Smith. Charming creature — isn't she, Brown'? 

Somer. Oh, I know that ^ but to whom 1 a fellow not capable of ap- 
preciating your numerous attractions — a low person, altogether un- 
worthy of your matchless beauty and innumerable charms. 

Smith. What's that he says. Brown ? 

Brown. Be silent, I tell you. 

Mrs. Smith. My husband is certainly very inattentive sometimes. 

SoMER. To be sure he is— a scoundrel! 

Mrs. Smith. Often absent from home. 

Somer. Abominable ! 

Mrs. Smith. And I must admit his manners are not particularly pol- 
ished. 

Brown. I say, Smith — she seems to have studied you pretty well. 

Smith. I'll poison her — my manners, indeed ! 

Mrs. Smith. And he has not much of the man of fashion about him. 

SoMER. He's a positive lout. 

Smith. I'll poison her. 

Mrs. Smith. But still he is my husband, and I ought 

Somer. You ought only to think of a love the most tender and the 
most impassioned. Behold me, dearest, at your feet. 

Mrs. Smith. Rise, pray. 



Smith ^ 

and > On 
Brown ) 



his knees 



Mrs. Smith (aside). Poor Mrs. Somerton, who was so sure of her 
dear Charles' heart, and defied us to make him inconstant. 

Somer. What says my love — my darling'? 

Mrs. Smith. Oh, nothing — nothing — rise, pray, pray — leave me! 

Smith. The abominable creature ! She's giving way. 

Brown. It's like 'em all — except Mrs. Brown. 

Somer. (kissing her hand). You divine creature, jrrant me one favor — 
my demand is not a very exorbitant one— give me this bouquet here in 
your bosom, as a pledge of your affection, (he takes a bouquet out of 
her bosom.) 

Mrs. Smith. Pray— pray leave me. 



MY neighbor's wipe. 15 

Smith. There, he has taken her bouquet. 

Mrs. S. (outside). Come along; give me one of the bottles. 

ScMER. They are coming back. 

Browx. High time, eh, Smith? 

Smith. J'm suffocated! I shall choke with rage, {during the wJiole 
of this scene Brown had been pulling hack Smith hy the coat, who teas 
liutting his head out too forward.) 

Mrs. Brown, entering with Mrs. Somerton, c. 

Mrs. B. Here they are, and we have picked out a couple of the very 
best in tlie cellar, {they all sit again at table.) 

Mrs. Smith. That's right, my dear; that's just howl always serve 
Mr. Smith. 

Smith {at loindoic). Oh, dear ! oh, Lord ! 

SoMER. Well, now we've got his wine, we'd better make use of it, and 
the least we can do is to drink Brown's good health. 

All. With all my heart — here's Brown's health ! 

Mrs. B. Timothy Brown, your veiy good health. 

Brown {at window). Thank ye, and be d— d to you. Oh, my very 
best champagne ! 

Somer. It's really excellent ; and as long as we haven't Brown's com- 
pany the more of this sparkling champagne we have, the more agree- 
able. 

Brown. You're very good. 

Somer. And now. allow me to propose Mr. Smith's health, {tliey 
drink.) 

Mrs. S. Now suppose we go in the next room and take a cup of 
coffee, {they rise.) 

SoxMER. A very good idea. Ladies, allow me to offer you each a 
hand. 

Mrs. S. Ay, and do follow me. 

Mrs. Somerton goes out at door r. 1 t£.., followed hy Somerton, between 
Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Brown. As soon as they are gone, Brown 
and Smith get down and replace the chairs and table, lohich they 
had 2)l(iced against the doors. Then they come out and pace the 
stage in a furious manner. 

Smith. Perfidious woman ! W^ho would ever have thought it ? 

Brown. My dear fellow, don't run about in this manner. Be calm, 
and let us talk it over, {pacing the stage furiously.) 

Smith. I'm half mad, Brown. 

Brown. No wonder. So would I be, if I were you. 

Smith. It's monstrous. 

Brown. Infamous — shocking — ha, ha, ha! 

Smith. What the devil are you laughing at? 

Brown. My dear fellow, I'm not laughing; it's an hysterical sympa- 
thy with your situation, {aside) Poor Smith! who was so sure of tiie 
virtue of his wife. U{)on my soul 1 can't help laughmg if I were to die 
for it. {to Smith) Pray pardon me; but I really cannot help it. {noise, 
R. 1 E.) ' 

Smith. Hush — somebody's coming! Help to replace the chairs 
anrl {they replace them.) 

Brown. Pshaw! 'Tis all fancy; so suppose, now, while they are at 
their coffee in the next room, we sit down here and pick a bit, and take 
the liberty of making free witli some of my own dear wine. 



16 MY NEIGHBOR S WIFE. 

Smith. Thank you, I'm not hungry. 

Brown. But I am ; for I've had nothing to take away my appetite ; and 
really this pate of yours, Smith — {he goes to the table, cuts a hit of the 
pate, and is just about to eat, when the door opens) By all the saints 
in the calendar, here's my wife coming, {he hides under the table.) . 

Smith. His wife ! {he hides himself behind the easel, on lohich a pic- 
ture is.) 

Enter Mrs. Brown, speaking as she enters the door, r. 2 e. 

•Mrs. B. Now do allow me, while you are finishing your coffee. I'll 
go and clear the supper table, and put all in order, {coming forward) 
Well, 1 must confess that Mrs. Smith is a terrible flirt. 

Smith [behind easel). There's no doubt whatever of that. 

Mrs. B. What looks she has been glancing towards Somerton. I 
really blushed for her. 

Brown {putting out his head from binder the table). My dear little 
wife, Id give you a kiss if I dared. 

Mrs B. At the same time, I must confess that Somerton is very 
agreeable, and also that he has 

Brown. Not so fast, ma'am, if you please. 

Smith. They are birds of a feather, that's evident. 

Mrs. B. He has also a fine figure, and a good expression of counte- 
nance. 

'^Kov^s {putting Ms head out). It's a d — d lie! (Somerton steals 
softly in at r. 2 e.) 

Mrs. B. But I cannot understand how he could have such bad taste 
as to make love to Mrs. Smith, a woman altogether so unworthy of him ; 
that is a thing I really never can forgive him for. 

Smith. Nor I either. 

SoMER, {touching Mrs. Brown's shoulder). What, still inflexible? 

Mrs. B. {starting). Oh, Mr. Somerton! you quite frighten me. 

SoMER. Fear ! Oh, fear is not the sentiment with which I would in- 
spire you ! 

Smith {popping his head from behind the 'easel, at the same time thai 
Brown puts his head from under the table, and seems in a violent rage). 
It's your turn now, Brown. 

Mrs. B. {to Somerton). I suppose you think you are addressing Mrs. 
Smith ? 

Somer. Mrs. Smith ! I detest her very name — I cannot endure the 
sight of her ; and if I seemed to pay her any particular attention, it was 
only to divert the thoughts of one who knows too well who is the object 
of my affection. 

Mrs. B. I really do not understand you, sir. 

SoMER. The moments are precious — only say that some day you will 
bless my vows — name some time when I may hope, and, till then, give 
me some slight token of one I can never cease to love — promise me 
this, adorable woman ! 

Brown. Familiar rascal I 

Smith. This is worse than what he said to Mrs. Smith. 

Somer. What, silent! dearest one ! then give me this bracelet, twined 
around your arm. {takes bracelet from her arm). 

Mi?s. B. Oh! pray give it me back, {here Brcwn shakes his fist at 
her) If my husband were but to see it ! 

Brown. He must be d — d blind if he didn't. 

Somer. Oh, don't think of him — dear, kind creature! give me but 
one kiss. 



MY neighbor's wife. 17 

Mrs B. Sir ! really, sir — this audacity 

SoMER There's no harm, dear, in a kiss (gives her several kisses, 
agdinst which she dightly struggles.) 

Smith {chuckUng). How they sound! 

Brown. The traitoress ! 

Mrs. B. {struggling with Somerton). Oh, if my husband were to 
hear liim 

Smith He must be d — d deaf if he don't, (Mrs. Bno^vy gets a wag 
from Jan with some difficulty, and runs into the chamber, r. 1 e.) 

So.MER. She is a charming creature! and 1 decidedly give hei the 
preference. 

Smith. I'm glad of it — the scoundrel ! 

Bkown. Oh ! the blackguard. 

SoMER. However, they are both devilish nice girls, and will answer 
cue's purpose very well to pass an hour or two witli now and then Al- 
together, we've had a delightful evening, and I must now go and put by 
my pistols, which I had quite forgotten, {goes and takes pistols off the 
chair) Oh. Mr. Smith, Mr. Brown !-^Mr, Brown, Mr. Smith! 1 strongly 
suspect I shall give you both a violent headache I 

[Exit into closet, r. 1 e 

BROAv>f {looking out). Pheugh ! — where is he gone 7 

Smith {jjeeping on one side of the glass). Hold your tongue : there he 
is with those d — d pistols again, {here Somerton closes up the icindoic, 
R. 2 E., pointing laughingly at the table, and exit.) 

Smith {peeping out) Brown ! 

Brown (looking np). Smith! 

Smith. We are a pretty couple. 

BuowN. Very. Give me your hand, {they come out and embrace each 
other.) 

Smith. Oh, Mrs. Brown ' 

Brown. Oh, Mrs. Smith. 

Smith. Oh, chat bracelet! 

BiiowN. Oh, that bouquet I 

Brow'n \ (>''^*'^^ ^ ^*^^^*)- Ha, ha, ha ! 

Smith. It's exceedingly droll. 

Brown. And extremely pleasant. 

Smith. But I'll be revenged, Brown. 

Brown. And so will I. Give me your hand; we'll have a mutual 
alliance, and come to a determination to take ample revenge. 

Smith. Let us embrace again, {they embrace) Now my mind's made 
up. 

Brown. I was beginning to despair, but I'm nerved again. We'll 
treat them exactly as they deserve. 

Smith. The idea of making such a fuss, and talking of cutting our 
thioats about one's wife's virtue. 

Brown. Particularly when she hasn't got any. 

Smith Let us turn philosophers. Brown, and satisfy ourselves with 
knowing that half the world are like ourselves. 

Brown. To be sure. Besides, after all, it's a thing that if you dont 
know it's of no consequence ; and if you do yon can't help yourself. 

Smith. Hush ! they are coming back. 

Brown. And our hiding-places are cut off. 

Smith. Very true. What is to be done ? 

Brown. They are coming this way, to a certainty, {he runs under 
the dressing-goicn on the arm-chair.) 



18 MY NEIGHBOR S WIFE. 

Smith. Here they are, sure enough, ijie mtiis under the uniform 
hanging on the 'portmanteau in the chair.) 

Enter Somerton, Mrs. Somerton, Mrs. Smith, and Mrs. Brown, at 
door R. 2 E. 

Somer. And you really will go, then ?• 

Mrs. S. Oh, pray, don't think of going yet. 

Mrs. B. We really must; it's ten o'clock, and past. 

Mrs. Smith. And I really tremble for fear my husband should have 
reached liome. 

Mrs. S. I rather think not. 

Mrs. Smith. However, they both may be, and although they should 
happen to be a little sulky, it is as well not to displease them too much. 

Somer. Now listen to me. If on your return your husbands should 
pick a quarrel with you, I'll tell vou both a way to make them silent. 

Somer. To tell them — — 

Mas.- LxH I (-^-W. Well, what? 

Somer. A circumstance that happened the other day to one of ray 
most intimate friends. 

Mrs. S. And to his wife 1 

Somer. Yes. Well, this friend had two neighbors 

Smith. Brown ! 
Brown. Smith ! 
Mrs. S. Which neighbors had two wives. 

JJ^^' f • \ Oh, wives ! Well % 

Mrs. Smith, ) 

Somer. These two neighbors had a great desire to seduce the aflfec- 
tion of my friend's wife, {all here are silent, and paying deejy atten- 
tion.) 

Mrs. S. Which she immediately mentioned to her husband. 

Somer. And he, bent on having his revenge on them, determined to 
seduce the affection of both their wives in return. 

Smith ^ 
and > Oh ! (Mrs. Smith aiid Mrs. Brown look confusedly at one 

Brown.) another.) 

Somer. Yes, and, in concert with his wife, got up a capital farce with 
the two ladies. He alternately made the most desperate love to them, 
vowing eternal fondness to one, and perpetual constancy to the other, 
and, in return for all his apparent devotion, he received from one,, in to- 
ken of her regard, a beautiful bouquet. 

Mrs. Smith {aside). A bouquet! 

Mrs. S. And from the other a What was if? Oh, I remember, a 

bracelet. 

Mrs. B. {aside). A bracelet! 

Somer. But the most extraordinary part of the whole business was— 
that all this took place in the very presence of their husbands ! 

Mrs. Smith. What 

Mrs. B. In their presence 1 {looking anxiously round.) 

Somer. Yes, in the presence of the husbands, who dared not say a 
word, because they were, in the first instance, the guilty party. 

Smith. I'm all amazement! 

Brown. I'm worse than that — I don't know what I am. 



MY neighbor's wife. 19 

Mrs. B. Perhaps these two ladies were not quite as culpable as you 
represent them, Mr. Sonierton 1 

SoMER. Undoubtedly not; for I ought to add, to their honor and 
credit, that they were in the secret, and only assisted the scheme to 
teaze their husbands, {to Mrs. Somerton) We may as well give tliem 
the benefit of this lie, ra-y dear, to prevent any further mischief between 
them and tlieir husbands. 

Mrs. S. Oh, to be sure — to be sure, (to Mrs. Smith a7id to Mrs. 
Brown) Oh, yes, it was only a neighbor's frolic — a game of tit-for-tat, 
very cleverly played. (Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Brown appear to recovier 
a little.) 

Smith. Is it possible ? 

Brown. I breathe again. 

Mrs. S. And the matter ended in the two husbands coming from 
their hiding places, falling on their knees, and asking pardon of their 
wives for all their transgressions. (Smith and Brown, icho have noio 
partially quitted the hack, advance — and fall on their knees on each- 
side.) 

Mrs. B. What do I see % Mr. Brown 1 

Mrs. Smith. And Mr. Smith ! I shall faint. 

Smith (r.). Pardon, pardon, my love, for all my little offences. 

Brown (l.). And pardon, Mrs. Brown, for all my peccadilloes. 

Mrs. B. The forgiveness should be mutual. We have both been a 
little to blame ; but as no harm has arisen out of it, why, come to my 
arms, my dear Timothy ! 

Mrs. Smith. Ditto, ditto, my dear Jonathan ! 

SoMER. This is the exact termination of my friend's adventure ; he 
gave back to each lady her respective property — to one the bouquet, 
and to the other the bracelet, {here Somerton j^f'csents the one to Mrs. 
Smith, the other to Mrs. Brown) and heartily forgave his two neigh- 
bors for the folly of attmpting to make love to his wife. 

Mrs. S. And all parties being reconciled, they finally agreed to con- 
fine their devotions to their own firesides, and never, for the future, to 
interfere with Their N5;ighbor's Wife. 

Smith. Brown ! 

Brown. Smith ! 

Smith. Will you everl 

Brown. No, I'll never. 

Mr. Somerton. Mrs. Somerton. 

Mr. Smith. Mrs. Smith. Mr. Brown. Mrs. Brown. 



CURTAm. 



MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS 



INSTRUCTION BOOKS 

Stage IPreparations and Accesso- 
ries, etc., etc. 



We are prepared to furnish any of the following and similar articles, promptly 
and at the very lowest prices : 

Wigs, Mustaches, and Imperials 

of every style, shape and color, for Caucasian, Mongolian or Ethiopian " make up. 

Face Preparations, 

such as Prepared Cork for Negro Minstrels, Mongolian Paste for Mulattoes, Indi- 
ans, etc. ; Prepared Whiting for clowns. Statues, etc.; Pencils to trace eyebrows 
and veins ; India Ink, and a bright but harmless Lip Rouge. 

Tableau Lights, Colored Fires, 

and all the various articles needed to throw the effects of sunlight, moonlight, 
and firelight upon faces, groups or scenery. These are all prepared in such a man- 
ner as to be entirely harmless. 

Musical Instruments 

of every variety, from the plainest to the most highly ornamented, such as Violins, 
Violoncellos, Piccolos, Flageolets, Fifes, Tamborincs, Bones, Jews' Harps, and 
Mouth Harmonicons. 

Dancing Clogs, Stockings and Caps, 

of all shapes, sizes, colors and materials manufactured, and ranging from the very 
lowest prices upwards. 

Musical Instruction Books. 

Manuals for the Guitar, the Banjo, the Violins, the Accordeon, the Violoncello, 
the Clarionet, Cornopeon, Fife and Drum. 



„.** For full particulars, list of prices, and descriptions in full of the various 
articles above enumerated, send for De Witt's Mammoth Catalogue, which 
will be forwarded free and postage paid to any address in the United States or 
Ciiuada. Address, 

CLINTON T. DE WITT. 

33 Rose street. New York. 



DE WITT'S ACTING PLAYS (Continued). 



No. 
144. 
34. 

lar. 
111. 

119. 
165. 

48. 

32. 
164. 
109. 

85. 

87. 
143. 
189. 
163. 
154. 

63. 



15. 

46. 

51. 
184. 
108. 
188. 
169. 
130. 

92. 
193. 

140. 

115. 
2. 

57. 
104. 
112. 
185. 

84. 
117. 

171. 
14. 

173. 
176. 

90. 
170. 

33. 
3. 

97. 

66. 

172. 

94. 

45. 
155. 

178. 

147. 
156. 

82. 
127. 



62. 



Lancashire Lass, melodrama, 5 acts.l2 
Larkins' Love Letters, farce, 1 act.. 3 

L' Article 47, drama, 3 acts 11 

Liar (The), comedy, 2 acts 7 

Life Chase, drama, 5 acts 14 

Living Statue (The), farce, 1 act 3 

Little Annie's Birthday, farce, 1 act. 2 

Little Kebel, farce, 1 act 4 

Little Ruby, drama, 3 acts 6 

Locked In, comedietta, 1 act 2 

Locked In with a Lady, sketch, 1 act. 1 

Locked Out, comic scene 1 

Lodgers and Dodgers, farce, 1 act.. 4 
Leap Year, musical duality, 1 act.. . 1 

Marcoretti, drama, 3 acts 10 

Maria and jNIagdalena, play, 4 acts . 8 
Marriage at Any Price, farce, 1 act. 5 
Master Jones' Birthday, farce, 1 act. 4 

Maud's Peril, drama, 4 acts 5 

Midnight Watch, drama, 1 act 8 

Milky White, drama, 2 acts 4 

Miriam's Crime, drama, 3 acts 5 

Model of a Wife, farce, 1 act 3 

Money, comedy, 5 acts 17 

Mr. Scroggins, farce, 1 act 3 3 

Mr. X., farce, 1 act 3 3 

My Uncle's Suit, farce, 1 act 4 1 

My Wife's Diar^-, farce, 1 act 3 1 

My Wife's Out, farce, 1 Pct 2 2 

My Walking Photo,. raph, musical. 

duality. 1 act 1 1 

Never Keckon Your Chickens, etc., 

farce, 1 act , 3 4 

New Men and Old Acres, comedy, 3 8 5 

Nobody's Child, drama, 3 acts 8 3 

Noemie, drama, 2 acts 4 4 

No Name, drama, 5 acts 7 5 

Not a Bit Jealous, farce, 1 act 3 3 

Not So Bad as We Seem, play, 5 acts. 14 3 

Not Guilty, drama, 4 acts 10 6 

Not Such a Fool as He Looks, drama, 

3 acts 5 4 

Nothing Like Paste, farce, 1 act. . . 3 1 
No Thoroughfare, drama, 5 acts and 

prologue 13 6 

Off the Stage, comedietta, 1 act 3 3 

On Bread and Water, farce, 1 act. . . 1 2 

Only a Halfpenny, farce. 1 act 2 2 

Only Somebody, farce, 1 act 4 2 

One too Many for Him, farce, 1 act. 2 3 

£100,000, comedy, 3 acts 8 4 

Orange Blossoms, comedietta, 1 act. 3 3 
Orange Girl, drama, in prologue 

iind3acts 18 4 

Ours, comedy, 3 acts 6 3 

Our Clerks, farce, 1 act 7 5 

Our Domestics, comedy farce, 2 acts 6 6 
Our Heroes, military play. 5 acts. . .24 5 
Out at Sea, drama in prologue and 

4 acts 16 5 

Overland Route, comedy, 3 acts. . ..11 5 

Peace at Any Price, farce, 1 act 1 1 

Peep o' Day, drama, 4 acts 12 4 

Peggy Green, farce, 1 act 3 10 

Petticoat Parliament, extravaganza, 

in one act 15 24 

Photographic Fix, farce, 1 act 3 2 

A COMPLETE 



No. 



M. I". 

2 



61. Plot and Passion, drama, 3 acts 7 

138. Poll and Partner Jc\ burlesque, 1 

act 10 3 

110. Poppleton's Predicaments, farce, 13 6 

50. Porter's Knot, drama, 2 acts .8 2 

59. Post Boy, drama, 2 acts 5 3 

95. Pretty Horse-Breaker, farce, 1 act.. 3 10 

181 and 182. Queen Mary, drama, 4 acts.38 8 

157. Quite at Home, comedietta, 1 act... 5 2 
196. Queerest Courtship (The), comic op 

eretta, 1 act 1 1 

132. Race for a Dinner, farce, 1 act 10 

183. Richelieu, play, 5 acts 16 2 

38. Rightful Heir, drama, 5 acts 10 2 

77. Roll of the Drum, drama, 3 acts 8 4 

13. Ruy Bias, drama, 4 acts 12 4 



194. 
195. 

158. 
79. 
37. 
35. 
43. 



31. 
150. 
120. 
146. 



133. 
153. 



168. 
126. 
56. 
123. 



162. 
106. 
81. 



Rum, drama, 3 acts 

Rosemi Shell, travesty, 1 act, 4 

scenes 6 

School, comedy, 4 acts 6 

Sheep in Wolf's Clothing, drama, 1 7 

Silent Protector, farce, 1 act 3 

Silent Woman, farce, 1 act 2 

Sisterly Service, comedietta, 1 act. . 7 
6. Six Months Ago, comedietta, 1 act. 2 

10. Snapping Turtles, duologue, 1 act.. 1 

26. Society, comedy, 3 acts 16 

78. Special Performances, farce, 1 act. . 7 

Taming a Tiger, farce, 1 act 3 

Tell-Tale Heart, comedietta, 1 act. . 1 
Tempest in a Teapot, comedy, 1 act. 2 
There's no Smoke Without Fire, 

comedietta, 1 act 1 

Thrice Married, personation piece, 

lact 6 

Time and the Hour, drama, 3 acts. . 7 
Time and Tide, drama, 3 acts and 

prologue 7 

Timothy to the Rescue, farce, 1 act. 4 
'Tis Better to Live than to Die, 

farce, 1 act 

134. Tompkins the Troubadour, farce, 13 2 
29. Turning the Tables, farce, 1 act. ... 5 3 
Tweedie's Rights, comedy, 2 acts.. 4 2 

Twice Killed, farce, 1 act 6 3 

Two Gay Deceivers, farce, 1 act — 3 

Two Polts, farce, 1 act 4 4 

Twin Sisters (The), comic operetta, 

lact 3 1 

Uncle's Will, comedietta, 1 act 2 1 

Up for the Cattle Show, farce, 1 act. 6 2 

Vandyke Brown, farce, 1 act 3 3 

124. Volunteer Review, farce, 1 act 6 6 

91. Walpole, comedy, 3 acts 7 2 

118. Wanted, a Young Lady, farce, 1 act. 3 
44. War to the Knife, comedy, 3 acts. ..54 
105. Which ofthe Two? comedietta, lact 2 10 

98. Who is Who? farce, 1 act 3 2 

12. Widow Hunt, comedy, 3 acts 4 4 

5. William Tell with a Vengeance, 

burlesque 

136. Woman in Red, drama, 3 acts and 

prologue 6 

161 Woman's Vows and Mason's Oaths, 

4 acts 10 

11. Woodcock's Little Game, farce, 2 4 
54. Young Collegian (Cantab.), farce, 1 3 



2 1 



8 2 



DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUE 



of DE WITT'S ACTING PLAYS AND DE WITT'S 



ETHIOPIAN A ND COMIC DRAMAS , containing Plot, Costume, Scenery, 
Time of Representation and every other information, mailed free and post paid. Address, 
ROBERT M. DE WITT, 33 Rose Street, New York. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




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DE WITT'S 

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